Street Lounge Guise for the Hip Ninja Millenia

Black ninja market capitalism is on the rise in the United States. Every where I look, I see more Black ninja exploitation on clothing, t-shirts, apparel and ninja poser websites. No one knows how to market to a ninja! Every one knows that ninjas like cotton/poly blend shirts to relax in after a grueling night of throat slitting, pillaging and marauding of corrupt business men and baby kittens while they sleep.

The oversight of this minor detail in ninja garment manufacturing should make any gross retailer shake in their boots because nothing pisses a Ninja off more than putting a scratchy, 100% cotton t-shirt on their brawny, tailored physique composed of sharpened steel and sex.

Lets discuss what stealthy, smart, black ninjas should and should NOT buy in an attempt to ease into a zen state of relaxation when it's time to hang up that black jumpsuit garb for the day:

What to NOT purchase:

1) 100% cotton shirts: All ninjas know this due to our inability tolerate itchy fabric that makes us flip out and murder stadiums of people at will. If you don't, you're just a ninja poser and you've either, A) been already decapitated because of your poser-ness lifestyle, or B) you should have committed hara kiri a long time ago.

2) Flamboyant colors: If you're a ninja caught wearing pink and haven't slit your own throat already, chances are 1) You're not a ninja, 2) Or you're already dead and in Ninja HELL.

3) Anything that has cute words or pictures on it: This is ninja disgrace and you will be forced to eat broken shards of urine-soaked glass if caught. Ninja's don't parade around wearing baby kittens slipping over a rainbow! Ninjas eat baby fetuses for breakfast with a side order of kittens and shit their remains while flying over your rainbow.

What TO purchase:

1) The "Office" Ninja: In the event you're a cube ninja by day, don't let your co-workers think you're any less dangerous during the day than you are at night. A hidden ninja star in their office chair seat should straight any non-believers out.

2) The "Represent the Ninjas Fo Shizzle" Shirt: If there's anything to ever wear, it's to show your loyalness to the ninja faction. Ninja's before hoes. Have you ever heard a ninja rap? No, because your ears were sliced off and used on a necklace.

So there you have it. Ninjas gospel will never stray you from what is good, right and salutary in the ninja ways. If you aren't pooping ninja, you should be peeing it. And if you aren't peeing it, you should be figuring out why.

New Age Ninja Training

Ninja's like technology, but it's also made the Ninja world not so secret anymore with Ninja posers and wanna-be's trying to gain years of maiming, killing, throat slitting, flying and decapitation into an afternoon of 'fake' training at a lame karate shop.

Being the super sneaky, stealthy killing machine that I am, I can tell you the best way to train is at home on your sweaty, bloody ninja bachelor couch.

Go buy a wii and get your naginata on! Go get Ninja Training!

Ninja Myth-conceptions

Any Ninja can tell you that it just ain't easy being a black, stealthy, throat-slitting, flying machine. Annual family and social functions open up a myriad of ninja mockery and tomfoolery that never seem to get old to the average human being. However, to ninjas, it makes their blood boil and want to stab naginata's in every one of your organs... for fun.

Now, today, in the age of technology and the internet, Ninja's are finding it harder and harder to put these "myth spreaders" in their place: the GRAVE!

A good example of this terminological inexactitude of ninja-ness would be this horrific on-line terror of a website: Common Misconceptions of Ninjas

If I may cover some of the falsehoods associated with this digital fabrication:

• Common Myth #1: "Ninjas" wore black night uniforms and skulked around in the dark: Complete bullshit to the highest ninja faction. All "real" ninjas wear black, duh.
  
  
• Common Misconception #2: "Ninja" were dishonorable, and used underhanded techniques that samurai would never use, and "Ninja" were a separate, lower class from samurai: This is such a lie that a Ninja kindergartener would laugh at you (then rape and pillage your family, of course). Ninja rule #89 quickly trumps this washery: Ninja's eat samurai's for breakfast and shit their swords back on their carcass.
  
  
• Common Myth #3: "Ninja" used straight swords, different from samurai swords.: L-I-E! What about the swords that go STRAIGHT THROUGH YOUR BEATING HEART? Oh ya, you must have forgot that one, you false ninja prophetier.
  
  
• Common Myth #4: There are "Modern" "Ninja": Hello? What do you call me? Someone needs to be paid a visit in the dark...
  
  

So hopefully next time you're at Uncle Ned and Gertrude's house for Christmas and decide to shout a seemingly harmless youltide "Ninja" jeer while your mysterious Ninja cousin is sipping his razorblade eggnog, you think twice and thank your lucky stars your neck wasn't slit.

Ninja's Debugging Perl?

Being a true Ninja doesn't mean that all you do is fly around, slit throats and scale Mount Everest with your limbs severed off with a blind-fold on (although, that is all most Ninja ever do). Ninjas aren't just made up of nails, razorblades and chopped kitten parts, they also happen to have a knack for slinging and debugging 'leet perl code.

The word is out. Learn it before your throat is slit.

  * How to be a True Ninja Debugger

Live in the now. Eat, drink and pee Ninja, it's the only way.

Ninja Star from Scratch!

Do you find yourself in a daily ninja star strife but your ninja pockets are too low on cash to meet that shurkien need? Well, I have the solution for you. Here are the directions to make your OWN ninja star from an item you can get almost anywhere: paper. Oh? So you need something more lethal? Line the straight edges of the ninja star with razor blades and sewing needles.

Secret Ninja Breeding Ground: Amazon.com?

While looking at the newly released ninja combat training exercise DVD program, The Black Belts Karate Home Studio, to sharpen and sensitivitify my dark Ninja wu-pang kicks and lightning-fast chung-pow pinky poke, I've discovered Amazon.com's true identity in respect to Ninjas of today.

Much like how outlying countries of Iraq and Afghanistan are breeding grounds for the new-age terrorist extremist, I have discovered that Amazon.com is the breeding ground for the new and most upcoming Ninja training simulations and ninja-fied killing tools of DEATH! They carry all the hip and stealthy Black Ninja apparrel, such as assassin ninja swords, foot spikes, ninja stars, grappling hooks and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle figurines just to name a few.

So, if you want to become a Ninja, but don't want all the hassle of Ninja group initiations, I'd definately start at Amazon.

Top Ninja Christmas Gifts for 2005

It's important to remember that Christmas is just around the corner and all those eager children will be hitting up Santa, but not for Barbies, GI Joes, Carebears, Trucks or games, they'll be looking for NINJA STUFF!

Here is the Top Ninja Christmas Gifts of this year of 2005, in no particular order:

1) BRUCE WAYNE NINJA DOLL!: Why not treat your son or daughter with a... stealthy, black... Bruce Wayne Ninja Bat Doll! Watch out, Joker bad-guy person, it's not going to be so funny anymore when Bruce comes and fung-chu's on your ass.

2) Ninja Blow-gun (a.k.a. Fukiya): Get this fukiya'in multi-purpose gift for your child to spar with the new baby or pet, or secretly carry out your plans to killer your neighbors, in a stealth ninja way.

3) Ninja Dynasty Belt Buckle: Next time you're in a bar, drink 10 beers and tell that cowboy that just walked in that he is a gay-ass, cow-pumpin' hick, make sure you have the big, gigantic belt buckle to battle back!

4) Economy Ninja Sword: It's ecomonic, it's made for the economy, it's stainless steel and it's economic! Perfect for the avid ninja beginner who wants to practice limb and head severing. Highly recommended for any 3-5 year old with alot of enthusiam and energy.

5) The Official Ninja Book (a.k.a. The Ninja Bible): The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Read, meditate, know, eat, breath, absorb, digest, poop, and pee the ninja word. Do everything in the Ninja Word: raise your offspring, making rice, brushing your teeth, slicing your neighbors throat (stealthily) and in everything: DO IN THE NINJA WORD!

...So I hope you all have a Happy Holiday and always remember: if you are in a deboggle about a christmas gift for that spoiled child or that crusty grandmother, ninja gifts always work!